Thursday 3/31/16

Yesterday's OA For Today reading was about anger. It ended with For Today: Sanity is not how well I can hide my anger; it is having no need to react to people, places and things by becoming angry.

I spent a good amount of time thinking about that yesterday.  In the beginning of 2007 I was in the process of a divorce and it was nasty.  I was married to a man that refused to work.  He had been unemployed for over 10 years.  We had been married 25 years.  And all of a sudden the man that owned the bank I worked at sold it to a large bank conglomerate.  So after 28 years of dedicated service, being on call 24/7, I was jobless.  He made millions from the sale and I got a very small bonus.  Which I had to give to my ex-husband because of the marital property laws in Wisconsin that say the party being divorced has the right to be kept in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.  So after the house I had paid for had been sold (I had to give that money to my ex too) I moved 1000 miles away.  Oh boy was there anger.  I have never been a skinny person but I had this freedom and all this anger and I ATE.  I put on 60 more pounds.  The anger and resentment lasted for years.    I'm not as angry anymore but I am still scared of my ex.  I still do have resentment too.  I just can't seem to let it go.  I NEED to let that go.  I feel like I am a good person and to get stabbed by "the system" and the men in my life (at the time) really sent me into a deep resentment.  I look back on 2008 and can see now how I was stuffing my face like a crazy person.  All that has done is damage my body.

I have to find happiness.  I must let go of this resentment.  I still have bad dreams about my ex.  They went down a bit for a while but now that we are moving back to Wisconsin, in the fall, the dreams have started again.  I really believe given the opportunity my ex would run me over with his car. Scares the heck out of me.  So many emotions to let go of.  Today's For Today: I turn my life over to my Higher Power and in return I receive the full use of my God-given potential.

How true is that.  I have a good life.  A good husband.  A great job.  I am a good person. I do not need this anger and resentment.

In today's OA's Voices of Recovery:Are we afraid to express ourselves, to tell others how we feel?  I have an emotional and physical disease with a spiritual solution.  Hiding my feelings from myself and others is certainly one of the roots of my illness.  Each time I pick up my pen to write (or type), I move myself along the path of freedom, awareness, acceptance love and recovery.

As I was pondering all this today, I realized that I have anger and resentment for a really long time.  My mother was abusive and living with her was horrible.  Not as bad as some children have it.  She was verbally abusive.  By the time I had turned 18 and moved out on my own I had no self esteem. She told me I was ugly, stupid and would amount to nothing for nearly all those 18 years.  So I can see now why I have always had eating issues.  Discussing my feelings would have NEVER been a good thing to do as a kid.  That would have been fuel to her fire.  I have not learned how to properly express my feelings.  The fear of being attacked for who I am is a huge fear.

I have so many thoughts running through my head today.  It is going to be hard to concentrate on work.

I am off to think happy thoughts.........