Friday 05/27/16

We made our quick trip to Wisconsin to see if there really is a little house being built.  It is there and coming along.  I am so very excited to be moving home.  I had a hard time taking pictures because of the sun, But you can see it is a house.

I still have not picked up my stitching.  That's okay I am reading and I love that too. I have all the books from this year listed on a different page on this blog.

OA For Today: I stop in the middle of an old answer, an old habit, an old way of thinking and ask myself: " Is this really the best way, or is there a better one?"  Good advice.

Peace, Love and Hope

05/18/16 Wednesday

I finished reading Where We Belong by Emily Giffin.  It is about a woman who gave up her child when she was 18.  I found the family dynamics interesting.

I think my sister is going to make it to Wisconsin this weekend.  She is so strong to leave her husband.  He has made it clear he does not plan to stop drinking so this is what she has to do to be safe and healthy.  So proud of her for protecting herself.

OA For Today: Where I am today is a fine place to start.  That is a good thing to say each time you stumble.  Where I am right now is a fine place to start.

I pay way too much for my cell phone so yesterday I was mildly researching cell phone plans and this seems to be a money pit.  Look where we have gotten ourselves with our dependence on cell phones. Having a cell phone costs a lot more than having electricity.  It seems like you can't get a plain phone that just makes calls and texts.  I will keep looking.

Monday 05/16/16

I couldn't take any more of the 44 day detox from Sunny Dawn Johnston.  I tried to do it again because my sister thinks it is great.  It isn't a detox physically.  It is all about delving into yourself.  But it is everyday you have to dissect a piece of yourself and examine how you feel etc.  I just can't do that everyday.  Some days I would like to feel good about just being me.  So that has fallen by the wayside.  I still get the detox emails so I may look at it but I am not going to participate every day.

I still am not stitching.  I will try to get motivated this week.  We had a good weekend (even if there was no stitching).  Saturday my husband who always has to be "the tough guy" was in a very loving mood.  (you can use your imagination here)  We went for a walk in Old Town Alexandria.  We found a bowl for my sunflower kitchen in a "antique" shop.  There were 2 of them but the one was chipped. We walked around the farmers market and I pointed out to my husband all the things I wanted at our new home.  Like a rhubarb patch, and to grow some basil, parsley, and lavender.

I finished another book.  Murder on the Menu by Miranda Bliss.  It was a quick read.  Now I am reading Where We Belong by Emily Giffen.  The only thing I am going to miss about my commute to work is my reading time.

We are flying to Wisconsin this weekend to check on the house and see how the builders are coming along.  We also have to meet with the stone guy to pick out a color for the front of the house.  My sister from North Dakota was going to come to Wisconsin too but she left her husband yesterday so I am not sure what she will be able to do.  She is staying with a friend until she can figure out where her life is going.  Her husband is an alcoholic and she needs him to get sober but it isn't what he wants so her future is in limbo right now.  I hope she can make it.  I need to hug her so bad.

Peace, Love and Hope,

Free flamingo pattern 5/14/16

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05/11/16 Wednesday

I did 15 minutes on my exercise bike again last night.  WooHoo! 2 days in a row.

On the cross-stitching home front, I haven't been stitching at all.  I have packed up all my craft stuff.  I know our move isn't for a couple months yet but we are packing stuff that isn't needed for day to day life.  I kept a bag with a project in it out of the packed stuff.  It is the Mason Jar Line Up kit.  I absolutely love the finished picture but I am not enjoying stitching it.  Kind of the story of my life - avoidance and denial.


Here is the next day in sunnydawnjohnston.com detox.

I Let Go Of:

Unhealthy social media habits – Focusing on social media, instead of being social. That is a very true statement for me.  I moved away from all my friends and family 9 years ago and FaceBook is how I stay connected.  so I look at it all day long to stay connected to them.  But meanwhile, I have made no real friends in the last 9 years.

 

Pivot:

I am harmonious in my relationships. I do not hide from relationships by focusing on other people's lives. It is healthy for me to have an interest and connection with a variety of people. With the internet at my disposal, I can now have this connection all over the world. There is are healthy ways to be a part of social media, and I know when I am not in alignment with them.

 

Affirmation:

“I am communicative and expressive in all my relationships, both in person and online.”

 

Action:

Today, I will notice my behavior around social media. Do I look at my phone while having conversations ... check Facebook while at dinner ... jump on Instagram while in a meeting ... write my blog while visiting with family or friends? I will be a loving witness to my habits, actions and feelings as I observe myself as I engage - or disengage. I will then take some time to really sit with, journal on, and ask myself this question: Am I truly present - for myself and others - in ways that honor us all?  If the answer is yes, I will congratulate myself and carry on. If not, I will take action to be more aware and present by sharing this intention with at least one other person.

 

Personal Experience:

I LOVE technology and believe in its ability to advance our forward progress – but I also recognize how much easier and more comfortable it is for me to text someone than to call them, or stop over for a visit. My technology has become an extension of me … and while I believe it is a great instant communication tool, I recognize there are times, and moments, to lay it down … put it away and connect physically with family, friends, etc. Being fully present in the moment is challenging for me … because I am used to external stimuli and my mind is addicted to the constant movement. When I am waiting in line, I am checking email. When I am out with friends waiting for dinner to be served, I am checking my Facebook page … seeing what my friends are doing, or my family. While the instant communication I believe is of great value … so is the present moment – right here in front of me! I see how I miss out on living in my own life by witnessing others living theirs instead; and it is important to me to change this, as I have seen my own personal relationships suffer because if it.
 

Journal Questions:

What keeps me from connecting in-person?  Fear and anxiety meeting new people.  fear of not being liked.

Why do I distract myself while in the company of others with checking my Instagram/Facebook page?  Before this detox, I had already decided to stay off my phone when in the presence of other people.  Mostly because I have had it done to me and it seems so rude.

Have I become too dependent on texting rather than calling?  My husband only uses texts.  I wish he would just call me.  It would be so much faster and clearer to just tell me what he wants.

How has technology hurt my personal relationships?  I think it has helped me avoid person to person contact.

05/10/16

Yesterday after work, I rode my exercise bike for 15 minutes.  HUGE accomplishment for me.  Now I need to keep going... Deep down I know that this is the best thing for me.


And another day of sunnydawnjohston.com detox your life:

I Let Go Of:

Fear of failure – Allowing fear to hold me back in many areas of my life.

 

Pivot:

I am stronger than my greatest fears. Fear is nothing more than the story we tell ourselves to keep us in the unhealthy, although familiar, patterns we have created. It is simply an obstacle we have created in our own minds. When we fight our fears, they chase us our entire lives. When we face our fears, we are free our entire lives. The choice is ours.

 

Affirmation:

False Evidence Appearing Real: “Fear is nothing more than the story we tell ourselves to keep us in the patterns which we have created.”

 

Action:

Today, I choose to face one of my fears, big or small. I will no longer give it the power over me. I will share with someone the fear I am facing and what step I am willing to take in order to take my power back from the fear that I have so freely given to. I will take action today and let go of the False Evidence Appearing Real … I will create a new reality TODAY and will replace that fear with FAITH!

 

Personal Experience:

I am afraid that I am truly just not worthy of love. I have a fear that says I am not good enough. I have created stories within myself to confirm that I have no value and/or worth. That I do not deserve love or success!! I have looked for experiences with other people, within my work environment, within my intimate relationships, within my family … to validate this truth for me. A truth that I have created within my own mind. I look for any experience that I can manipulate into seeing from my lack mentality, so I can create the evidence that says… “See I am right - I am not loveable, I am not worthy, no one cares, so why should I?” Today I am re-writing my story ­– and it is one of success!! I am willing to face these fears that tug at me and allow myself to achieve all of who I am meant to be.
 

Journal Questions:

What stories are playing out in your head to support your fears? I spent 18 years listening to mother tell me I was stupid, useless, fat, and would probably spend my life in a mental hospital.  For the record I was not fat and I wasn't stupid.  And I surely wasn't insane. I was just an average kid.  There was really nothing wrong with me.  I feel like crying for that little girl that was verbally pushed down, stomped on and learned to fear the world.  Now as I am older I can see where these are things she felt about herself not me.  But all those years of her "conditioning" just don't go away because I want them too.  I fight to rise above this in some way every day.  There are just so many hurdles in every day.  
Are you creating scenarios that come from a place of lack, pain and judgement so you can be right? I probably do this.
Has your fear taken away your power? Many times.  Especially in dealing with other people.
What can you do to release those fears?  Keep telling myself that I can do anything.

5/9/16 Tribal Rooster back from the framers.

My tribal rooster is back from the framers and already on the way to the recipient.  The pale yellow is possible to pale but it is what it is.

Another day of sunnydawnjohnston.com detox:

I Let Go Of:         Resistance to exercise and moving my body.  Well I don't know how to make this happen.  I really hate exercise.  I know it is because of my weight and the pain that is everywhere in my body.  I also know deep down that moving is the only way to get healthy.

 

Pivot:

Movement keeps me healthy and strong and I enjoy moving my body. When I move my body in loving ways, it responds back to me in loving ways as well.

 

Affirmation:

“I move my body in ways that feel good to me. I no longer use the excuse that I can’t … or compare myself to someone else - or myself of 10 years ago!”

 

Action:

Today, I will do something to bring in movement. I can even try something new if I want to, like yoga, walking, stretching, running, or lifting weights.  I do have a tia chi (spelling?) video downloaded that I should do every morning,  I will walk at lunch today.

 

Personal Experience:

As I get older, I am realizing how important it is to move my body to maintain flexibility and strength. My muscles were built to move and stretch … and when I get wrapped up in life and my To Dos, then the first thing to go out the window is my own self-care in the form of exercise. Plus, sometimes, I’d rather stay working than get up and go work out … or I’m too tired to drive to the gym.  So I really have to make a conscious effort to get up periodically during the day and move my body … and stay committed to an exercise regimen where I work out at least 3 times a week. I know I feel better when I have some movement in my body.  this could not be more true.  Especially after having hip surgery, I know that moving is so important.
 

Journal Questions:

What stops me from exercising consistently?  My brain and pain.  I think I may be lazy.  But I also know how much arthritis pain I have in my body.
What am I afraid of, if anything, in regard to physical movement?  Sweating.  I really don't like to sweat. Falling.  Pain
What does exercise mean to me? A Road to healthy me
What forms of movement could I enjoy? I do like walking in a pool.  Rarely have a pool that I have access to.  I use to like riding a bike.  Now the seats hurt too much.  But there is always walking.

Sunday 5/8/16

Free download from Stitch Me Gifts:
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Day 3 from SunnyDaawnJohnston.com:

I Let Go Of:  Being trapped in my head, and having my mind never shut off. Dr. Richard Carlson calls this snowball thinking.  I have a serious problem with that.

 Pivot:    It is safe and healthy for me to be quiet within. My constant mind chatter has served me well in the past; however, I am in a different place now. I am aware how this chatter has kept me distracted from what I truly wish to accomplish at any given time. My mind assists me in manifesting my dreams and desires. I put my attention on my intention to serve the highest good.

Affirmation:  “I choose to focus on peace, calm and harmony.”

 Action:    Today, I will take twenty minutes to meditate, pray or visualize. I can trust that even if it feels like my mind is louder and louder, it truly is benefiting me to go within.

 Personal Experience:   I have a hard time meditating. I can pay attention to my breath … and then wonder if my package will be delivered today. I can feel the bubble of energy moving up through my feet … and question whether I turned the heat down before I left. I can sink into the stillness within … and remember that it’s time to get the dogs bathed this week. Welcome to the chatter in my mind. But what I do know is that it’s better than nothing. I do know that when I give myself space to stop analyzing, and thinking, and planning and figuring it all out – well then I just might actually get a spark that my brain never came up with in all of its warp speed, hyper-drive activity. And I do know that it doesn’t have to be meditation in a dark room, chanting Om. For me it can be journaling to empty my brain onto paper to get to the clarity beneath. It can be pulling weeds in the garden, cutting the grass, walking the dogs or singing in the shower. It’s all a part of creating the SPACE to let the Busy Bee Brain go away and the Divine Inspiration to drift in. It’s in those moments of insight that I see that taking the time to get quiet is all worth it!

 Journal Questions:  In what ways do you allow your “active brain” to shut off and your “inspired brain” to kick in?   Sometimes when I am at work trying to find a solution.

Take some time to recall an occasion where a solution or an unexpected opportunity came to you when you did NOT try so hard to figure it out, but instead focused on the desired result and allowed the path to appear.  When I would go to seminars most of my notes were on solutions or ideas that popped into my as the speakers were going over ways to use the software.

How could you incorporate meditation into your daily life?   I could use my reading time on the subway.  I could close my eyes when my husband is watching tv and use that time.

Saturday 5/7/16

Today we did a lot of running around to stores and stuff.  Grocery shopping, picking up moving boxes, household shopping, etc.  My husband was a bear this morning.  I kept trying to tell myself not to "absorb" his negative energy.  It was so difficult.  At one point I thought I would cry.  Again he is not a bad guy.  His PTSD i just so high.  He just can't handle stress anymore.  I am hoping the move to Wisconsin will get him calm.  He won't have to go to his crappy job anymore and the horrible commute.  Now if I can just not eat my way through his stress.  

Here is day 2 of SunnyDawnJohnston.com

I Let Go Of:     Being an emotional eater – Stuffing emotions with food. 

 Pivot:   In the past, when I would feel emotions that were uncomfortable for me, I would eat. I now know that I was pushing those emotions down, in order to not feel them.

 Affirmation:  “It is safe for me to feel.”

 Action:    Today, I will take the time to tune into my feelings. I will take ½ hour to journal about how I feel..

 Personal Experience:  This is a constant issue for me. Growing up, I learned to not express my emotions and to stuff them down with food. Food became my friend … and a way to soothe myself when I was hurting. It was much easier to eat a bowl of ice cream then it was to feel the pain I was feeling inside. Food soothes … emotions are painful. That has been my belief system. I realize that it is a moment-by-moment conscious choice to allow my feelings to surface rather than smooth them over or push them down with food. I have also found that being present in my feelings is important, because oftentimes I eat from a place of automatic reaction and I am totally unaware of my feelings. When I am eating, I choose to really practice presence and tune into what is going on in me and around me – am I eating because I am hungry, or am I eating because I don’t want to feel? I realize that just because I learned these behaviors as a child, they do not have power over me. I can simply make a new choice. It doesn’t feel simple … or even like a choice sometimes; but it is.

Journal Questions:

Is food your friend?  It has pretended to be my friend but in reality it is my enemy.

Has food been your safe place, or the one thing you could control?   I never felt that I have had any control but somehow it was a safe place.  And I do just love junk food.  Like a drug.

Are you afraid to feel your emotions … like you will drown in them, or get stuck there?  I think I am terrified of my emotions.  My mother is not mentally healthy and the fear of becoming her is strong.

What were you taught about expressing your emotions?  This was not allowed as a child. For a long time I didn't even talk much.  It was just safer to be quiet. It seemed like every time I opened my mouth I made her mad.

What makes you fear or dislike feeling emotions? Fear of losing control.  Losing control of my temper.  Fear of crying and not being able to start.

Thursday, May 5th 2016

A new day to try again!

OA For Today: A flower takes a season to grow, a tree long years to mature. Each growing thing, myself included, has a timetable for growth.

I think my personal growth may be stunted. I know what to do and what not to do with food but I just can't get going.

I am starting the Sunny Dawn Johnston 44 day detox again.  My sister wants me to do it with her so I will try again.  Here is the website if you want to check it out:

Go to sunnydawnjohnston.com/44daydetox and join us now. You will pick up right where we are.

Today - I let go of feeling everyone's stuff.  I will maintain my own energy consistently.

I have always been sensitive.  I feel the negativity of those close to me. I get overwhelmed by it. Sometimes I get angry by it.  Mostly, I just get depressed by it.  Then I stuff those emotions down with food.  My husband is so unhappy in his job. He is so negative.  His blood pressure is so high.  It really drags me down.  Then I have my bigot co-worker that can't say anything nice about anyone or any group of people.  I can feel myself deflating when they have a tirade.

However: Today: I know I am a strong, capable person.  I can maintain my own energy and not absorb everyone else's.  I will just witness other people.

So now...How do I maintain my own energy?  That is a hard question.  I don't think I can do this.  My Overeaters Anonymous knowledge is prevailing here.  I cannot so this without God.  So to maintain my own energy I need to pray for assistance all day long.  I have never been a good prayer so that is something to work on today.

Peace, Love and Hope..........

Happy Star Wars Day

Happy Star Wars Day - May the 4th be with you.

My control with eating is not doing so great. Again!  I was doing pretty good with WW but I felt that just eating the frozen meals wasn't that healthy even though it kept me low in calories.  I was doing so much better at weight loss back then.  So today I had a WW frozen meal for breakfast and lunch. When I go to the grocery store this weekend I will pick up some more.  I need to get back on track.  I think I am starting to gain some weight back.  NOT GOOD!

I stopped and picked up my "ice crystals" from Michael's framers.  Forgot to take a picture of it.  Will try to remember tonight when I get home.

Nothing real exciting going on in my life right now.  We are just in limbo with the move.  Just a waiting game until we get closer to the move date.

Peace and Love,

May 2nd 2016 Monday

Here we go again.  Another Monday another "let's start again" day.

My husband was gone for 2 weeks and I was going to be so careful with my eating while he was gone and I didn't do well at all.  So I am starting over again today.  The weekend wasn't too bad.  He came home on Saturday afternoon and I had very healthy meals planned for the weekend.  So now I need to keep this going.

I was filling him in on the marriages of my 2 sisters that will probably be ending in the next year and a half.  One sister has no money because her husband hasn't worked in about 20 years and the other sister's husband is in total control of their household money.  Then I was telling him about my friend who is 78 years old and divorced her husband after a suspicious accident she had.  She fell down the steps and got hurt bad.  Personally, I believe he pushed her since she filed for divorce when she was well.  Anyway she is destitute.  She gets $710.00 from social security and her husband has basically bankrupted them so she will get nothing from the divorce.  He was always in control of the money and had no idea that they were neck deep in debt.  So anyway...I was telling him this and yesterday he says to me: we need to talk.  He says to me are you worried that I am going to divorce you and leave you penniless.  I told him no that I felt that if he wanted a divorce he would be fair.  He is that kind of man.  (as long as I hadn't cheated on him).  I told him that wasn't on my mind it was just so weird that I have 3 people in my life that are finding themselves facing poverty.  It meant a lot to me that he was being reassuring.  I mean he did not marry this hugely fat person.  60 pounds of this weight came on after we got married.  I am probably not putting this it into words very well but he was so loving and caring about my feelings.  He is a retired Marine and he has "tough guy" outer shell that doesn't crack very often.  So when he softens it just warms my heart.  Enough babbling about my wonderful husband.

One dish I made this weekend was cauliflower potato salad.  You make potato salad and substitute out the potatoes with cooked cauliflower.  Now we both like cauliflower and potato salad but it just didn't seem right.  I don't think I will make it again.  It wasn't bad just not super delicious.  The other dish I made was roasted vegetables with polska kielbasa.  I cut up the meat and laid it in the bottom of the roaster and then cut up a sweet potato, a couple small yellow potatoes and a vidalia onion. Then some carrots, parsnips, zucchini and yellow squash.  Cooked it at 400 degrees for about an hour. That he loved.  I got a new knife and it cut veggies really well.  Like cutting butter.  So sharp. While I was cleaning it, I sliced my finger.  There was no stitching this weekend.  It bled through the band-aid a couple times so I was afraid of getting blood on my project.  It looks to be healing up nicely now.

I read another book.  The Vow of Silence by Susan Hill.  Pretty good.  After I read it I realized it was the 4th in a series so now I will have to find the others.  Because I do love a series.

I did do some bible study this weekend.  I am reading Imitate Their Faith.  So far it has been about Abel, Noah and now I am on Abraham.

OA Voices of Recovery: What do we say when we talk with God? We say whatever we feel like saying.  I need no formal ritual, no structured prayer to talk to my God today.  I need only believe that God is with me, and God is here.  I talk to God today as I do to my best friend.  I seek guidance, ask for strength, and most of all, I say " Thank You".

Thank you.............