Thurs 12/15/11

Well still out of control.  This time my excuse is I have had a headache for a couple of days.  You know eating probably makes it worse.  But when my head hurts I tend to eat more unless I can lay down.  Of course, at work, they don't like that.

Today's story in the Thin book, it about getting started.  This is my wake up call.  How can I activate my own inner resources.  The book says to stay motivated.  Cast off negative experiences.  When you spirit soars your weight falls. Hmmmm.  Call back the positive feelings when you liked what you saw in the mirror.  I think I can thank mommy dearest for not being able to have that.  I can't say I have ever liked what was in the mirror.

The book says I should have a mission statement. Hmmmmm.
         My mission is too lose weight.  To get eliminate the burden my body is carrying. I will not overeat.

What I have eaten before right now does not count.  What counts is right now!
         I've had it with living this way, I am going to change, now!

I need to build up my spirituality and start relying on God to help me.  Change is possible.

Lord, make me willing to change. 

I am going to follow the OA Food for thought book and the Thin Book as I start my new journey today.

Wed 12/14/11

I haven't written lately, because I feel like such a loser.  I have gained 1 1/2 lbs back so I am back to 240 lbs.  That is just so wrong.  My eating is so out of control again.  Not like it has ever been "in control". 
Today, I am starting to read "The Thin Books" by Jeane Eddy Westin.  I ordered it from Hazelden.  What I read today was interesting.  What am I going to be remembered for when I die?  The woman that was obsessed with food?  Not what I want.  I am going to try to take a journey with this book and see if it helps my mind and self-worth.  Part of my problem at work is boredom.  I love my job but there are some periods of time with nothing to occupy my mind.  My bosses are gone this week so that leaves me with time on my hands.  I brought my cross-stitch in.  I am going to try to spend my lunch hours working on a project.  I miss doing cross-stitch so hopefully that will help me feel better.  You know, doing something you love to do.

Hopefully, I will be back tomorrow.

11/29/11 Tuesday

Weighed in last night.  My weight has stayed the same.  Yesterday was a pretty good food day.  I did break down and drink a coke but I actually didn't feel good after I drank it.  I was going to try to skip lunch but broke down there too and went and got a chicken salad sandwich from the deli.  My lite popcorn came so today I am going to have that for lunch.  I am hoping for a good week.  I had a fairly good night sleep last night.  Still being haunted mentally by my ex but last night was better.

11/29/11 Monday

It was a good 4 day weekend.  My eating wasn't totally out of control. My ex's words are still eating at me but I felt the over eating was down to just not eating good.  My honey always wants a traditional Thanksgiving even tho I don't see the point to it.  But I managed to get a ham instead of turkey.  I know turkey is healthier but there isn't a turkey small enough for two people and we eat turkey till I can't stand it at all.  We had mashed potatoes and mashed sweet potatoes.  No stuffing.  I had to get a pumpkin pie for my love too.  I had one small piece with fat free cool whip.  That is all.  I did pretty good.  I haven't lost any weight and I hope I don't have a gain tonight at weigh in.  Because I am riding in the same area it could be up.  I am starting pack on the HCG program today.  Hopefully I can bring my calorie count down so the stuff can work.  It might be hype but my brother and his friend have lost. 

My emotions weren't out of control on this 4 day weekend but just knowing that my ex is out there trying to get money and is in a desparate wicked state is on my mind almost constantly.  I didn't think about him when I was out shopping Friday (after the crazy people were done).  I can see how shop-a-holics are created.   I hope to have a good day today.  I am planning on popcorn for lunch if my order arrives in time.

This will be a good day!

Black Friday 11/25/11

The last 2 weeks have been emotionally rough.  My ex is trying to extort money out of me.  He has tried numerous ploys and I have proven him stupid.  Like he says I owe him for our tax return of 2007.  But I have the canceled checks to prove him wrong.  He tried to tell me we owe the IRS 9,200.00 plus penalties and interest.  Called the IRS.  He might owe but I don't and our tax returns filed together don't.  Then he decided to bring up a dark dirty little secret I have.  I have spoken of this to no one in 27 years. But of course he knows about it because he was there.  I fully intended to take the knowledge to my grave.  But oh no, my creepy cruel ex is trying to use that to extort money from me.  So I had to sit my husband down and say the words out loud and hope he didn't want to divorce me.  Since I will not pay the ex-pig any money I have to tell people. Maybe this is why I am an over eater.  I have been sitting on this for so long.  Then in between the ugliness with my ex, my aunt dies.  A truly wonderful woman who is only 13 years older than me.  This is just sadness and depression flowing thruough me.

My husband was understanding and someday I will have to talk to the rest of my family before the pig does.  My phone is shut off so he can't call me so I expect he is calling everyone I know. 

My eating has been frenzied thru this last week.  It is emotional turmoil eating.  I am fully aware I am doing it.  I even talk to myself why I am doing it and can't seem to stop.  The only tiny consolation is I didnt have much food around me to go crazy with.  So I had 3 of the small peanut butter cups.  I don't even really like them.  My husband wants me to lose weight but he is the one that brings the junk into the house.  for the most part I don't.  I am going to have to talk to him about that.  we have a huge bag of small peanut butter cups and I think they should go to work with him on Monday.

Yesterday we had a big meal.  It is only my husband and me but he like all the fixings.  I didn't buy toomuch for him this year.  I got a ham and a few potates and sweet potaotes so we wouldn't have the food for days.    For next week at work, I am going to try to go back on the HCG diet I tried earlier.  I bought light popcorn so I could keep my calories low but feel like I am eating something.  I don't think depriving myself is going to help.  Our new fridge came today and that should help with the over eating too.  It is much smaller that the old one so I will have to keep my grocery list down to what we need for the coming week. 

On a personal development note I have been trying to get back into my Bible study routine.  I downloaded my Bible onto my e reader so I can always have it on the train with me.
That's all for now.

11/21/11 Monday

What a horrible weekend.  My food control was out the window.  It started Friday night with my ex calling my cell phone and leaving the message, "D I know this is your number why don't you grow a pair and answer your phone."  This was followed by a text message "We need to talk".  My current husband took the phone and text back. "No we don't".  There was some back and forth.  Basically it came down to my ex wants me to pay him for stuff he is missing that he didn't get in the divorce 4 years ago.  He didn't make any claims back then and I didn't keep anything of his so I don't know what he is talking about.  Then he started on the IRS and how I owe 9,200.00 plus penalty and taxes and he has reported me for filing in 2007 without his permission.  He didn't get a part of the 2007 tax return.  He ended up getting frustrated and saying , well I got my name off the taxes so it is all on you.  Spent Saturday morning going thru the divorce box of crap and found the cancelled checks showing I did pay him his share of the taxes.  Around noon, I got the message that my Aunt had died.  So spent the rest of the day crying about her and upset that the IRS is looking for me.  I had gotten a headache on Friday night so on Sunday morning after all the crying I had a major migraine.  I totally fell off the new HCG diet I was trying out.  I just ate regular meals and some snacks.  Today my head still hurts but I am trying to stay more on track with the diet.  It is suppose to be 500 calories a day but that isn't going to happen so I hope I can still lose weight by lowing my calories but not as low as 500 calories a day.  I am much calmer this morning.  I spoke to the IRS and I don't owe any taxes.  I am still so very sad over my Aunt's death and the fact I can't go home for the funeral.  If we didn't have Facebook, I think my cousins would probably disappear from my life so I am grateful for Facebook.

11/18/11 TGIF

Apparently, journaling when I get home at night isn't working.  I have missed a couple of days.  I have been on the binge warpath the last couple of days.  Even so I wasn't as bad as I was in the past.  I do think about food nonstop.  It is on my mind all the time.  What can I have for lunch that isn't too fattening? What should I do for supper?  What do I have to eat around here.  It is truly an obsession.  I started the same diet my brother is on today.  It is using the product HCG.  Then you only eat a tiny protein and one vegetable ffrom a small list.  Lunch and dinner.  Apple for a snack. 500 calories a day.   The HCG is suppose to stop the craving for food.  My brother has lost 40 lbs.  I do believe men lose faster than women so I don't expect those results.  I would like some results.  I don't believe it can stop the cravings.  I don't think my craings are physical, I think they are mental.  This plan is crazy I know but if I can work it for a week maybe I can keep going.  It looks like you shouldn't do this for more than 6 weeks at a stretch.  If I could do that for 6 weeks maybe I could stop the binging and thinking about food.

Our freezer is going to die soon.  We have a new one coming next Friday.  Until then my husband wants us to eat as much from the freezer as possible for the next week to try to empty it out.  A good idea if there was anything in there I could eat on this diet.  I will try very hard to keep my portions very small.  I have been pretty good today. 

I am getting a cold and would like nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed.  I leave work at 3:30 and get home at about 6:00.  It is only 12:30 now.  Going to be a long day. One of my coworkers just gave me an assignment.  I have to have it done by Monday afternoon.  It will be tough.  She won't get it to me in time for me to work on it today, so I will have to crank it out Mondya morning.  She is one of those people that makes me want to say "poor planning on your part doesn't consitute urgency on mine".  

My husband is back from a business trip and I am glad he is back but I am getting a cold and feel awful.  He has a low immune system so there will be no snuggling this weekend.

I have been neglecting my Bible studies for quite a long time now and I am going to try to focus on getting back into a routine.  I want to get my spiritual center back. 

That's all for today.

Tuesday 11/15/11

Well I have to say that today was a bad day.  I ate everything I could get my hands on.  Luckily I didn't have much to eat at work so I didn't do too bad.  Came home and ate a gigantic dinner.  I am fully aware that I am doing it but can't seem to stop.  I wonder if my brother the alcoholic has these same kind of urges.  I was so disappointed by not losing enough weight this week, I just punished myself.  I am missing my husband very much.  He is on a business trip.  I am very tired today.  Having a hard time concentrating.  Could be the overstuffed stomach sucking out all my brain power.

Monday 11/14/11

Tonight was weigh in.  I thought I had lost weight, at least a pound.  My watch was lose, my ring too. According to my scale I was down. The scale at TOPS weighs down to the ounce so I did lose 4 oz. tonight.

Today I was so aware of my desire to binge like a crazy person.  Which is usually what I do.  I thought I did better but not the best.  Part of my problem was that I didn't have anything to keep my attention today at work.  I could feel the burning to eat but still don't understand what is driving it.

So tomorrow, the plan is to have my breakfast and lunch and some pickles for a snack.  I think I will bring an apple too.

Sunday 11/13/11

I got on the scale this morning.  It looks like I may be down at least a pound.  Weigh in is tomorrow.  I am in TOPS.  My normal behavior is to now sabatoge myself.  I usually manage to eat like I'm starving today and tomorrow.  Then when I weigh in on Monday night I have a gain.  I don't know what causes the eating binge.  Why can't I succeed? Psychiatrists will say that you behave a certain way be cause of the rewards you get from it.  I have no idea what the reward is or why I do this.  I did have a therapist my ex-husband was seeing tell me, "Your mother isn't around to beat up on you anymore so you do it yourself".  Really?  Am I that mentally ill. I surely could be.  Mother is quite insane.  I didn't realize how nuts until my brother grew up and I realized he is exactly like her.  I have those qualities too.  I have been on Zoloft for years and I truly believe it helps me contain my temper.  I think I remain calm when otherwise I would go off the deep end.
So back to my problem... Why can't I be successful.  I feel like such a loser in so many areas of my life.  I have always felt lower than everyone else.  I think I may have to blame that on Mother also.  I don't recall when she started calling me worthless.  It had to be before junior high school.  I was in 7th grade when she threw me out in the middle of winter and at night.  She had one of her hissy fits and threw the coffee pot at me.  I put up my arm to shield my face and it hit my wrist bone and broke.  She then went into a tailspin screaming that I would have to buy her a new coffee pot since I broke this one.  Then the part of my personality (logic) that I must have gotten from Dad kicked in.  (BTW - He was at work)  Why should I buy a new coffee pot, you threw it.  Holy Crap hittin' the fan, batman.  I guess I went off on a tangent there.  Basically, I feel like a loser.  But is that why I eat?
Now for good things.  Yesterday was a good day.  Not everything I ate was good for me but it was in moderation.  I made homemade vegetable beef soup.  It hardly has any calories but I did eat too much of it. But for me that was a good day. 
I am grateful for my husband and the home we have made together.  I am grateful that we still have jobs and are able to buy food to eat when so many others do not have these things.  I am glad I remembered the boy scouts were coming thru yesterday and I got my stuff for the food bank out in time.  See you tomorrow.

Blogging for the first time11/12/11

I am a foodaholic.  I am about 100 lbs overweight.   I have always believed I was an alcoholic but I was afraid to drink for fear I would never be sober again.  I use food instead of tequila.  I have been reading a book from Overeaters Anonomous (OA).  It is stories of people who have a food addiction.  I know that is what I have.  I'm not sure how it started or how to stop it so I have started this blog to journal my days and try to figure out how I can abstain from food.  I would go to an OA meeting if there was one near me.  It's an odd concept OA has by calling it abstaining because you can't really abstain from eating.  It is more like abstaining from overeating.  I have tried numerous diets and gimicks, etc.  I tried to have gastric by-pass surgery but during the surgery the doctor felt I had too much scar tissue to continue so he gave me the lap-band instead.  What a joke that has been.  If I eat slow and chew well I can eat anything in any amount. So my weight has not dropped.  It doesn't help that I have a very sedate life.  I have a desk job and ride a train for 2 1/2 hours a day to commute.  And then the fact that I don't like to exercise.  I am hoping this blog journal will help me stay on track with a lifestyle program that will get me healthy again.  So that is all for today.