2/17/16 Wednesday

My first day back to work.  Feels good but I haven't walked that far in 5 weeks so was a bit of a challenge.  So nice to be here.  I have so much backlog and filing to do, that I feel a bit over-whelmed.  Luckily my co-workers come  in later then me so I can get busy early.

I am updating my blog at 1:20pm.  And I am so tired.  I haven't worked this hard in a long time and I am still so far behind.  It is rough having 5 weeks off work.  But I like to be busy so it really isn't a complaint.

Below is today's items for day 2 of the spiritual detox program from Sunny Dawn Johnston.

I Let Go Of:

Being an emotional eater – Stuffing emotions with food.

 

Pivot:

In the past, when I would feel emotions that were uncomfortable for me, I would eat. I now know that I was pushing those emotions down, in order to not feel them.

 

Affirmation:

“It is safe for me to feel.”

 

Action: 

Today, I will take the time to tune into my feelings. I will take ½ hour to journal about how I feel..

 

Personal Experience:

This is a constant issue for me. Growing up, I learned to not express my emotions and to stuff them down with food. Food became my friend … and a way to soothe myself when I was hurting. It was much easier to eat a bowl of ice cream then it was to feel the pain I was feeling inside. Food soothes … emotions are painful. That has been my belief system. Amazing how she puts into words how I grew up. I realize that it is a moment-by-moment conscious choice to allow my feelings to surface rather than smooth them over or push them down with food. I have also found that being present in my feelings is important, because oftentimes I eat from a place of automatic reaction and I am totally unaware of my feelings. When I am eating, I choose to really practice presence and tune into what is going on in me and around me – am I eating because I am hungry, or am I eating because I don’t want to feel? I realize that just because I learned these behaviors as a child, they do not have power over me. I can simply make a new choice. It doesn’t feel simple … or even like a choice sometimes; but it is. This is a place I want to be.
 

 

Journal Questions:

Is food your friend? No, in some ways it is my enemy.  I would stop eating all together if I could live like that.  So I need to turn to God and ask him to help me control my food intake.
Has food been your safe place, or the one thing you could control? Food has been a safe place.  I eat because it is a pleasure not a necessity of life/
Are you afraid to feel your emotions … like you will drown in them, or get stuck there?I think I can say that I am afraid of my emotions.  I know that me and my siblings have my mother's hair trigger, fly off the handle temper.  I have do anything I can to not let that happen.  Therefore I think I eat.  We also inherited her high anxiety, so I eat to calm down.
What were you taught about expressing your emotions? Around mother it was not wise to show emotions or even talk.  It was better to stay out of her way and be as small as possible.  It was better to be ignored by her.
What makes you fear or dislike feeling emotions?  Fear of losing control.  Fear of looking stupid.  Fear of being laughed at.  Fear of being disliked.