7/23/12

It's Monday.  I will weigh in tonight.  I have been maintaining the 245lb mark.  Yo-yoing between 243 - 245.  Food wise it was a good weekend.  But as far as activity goes it was pretty bad.  Didn't really do much of anything.
I am starting Lesson 1 in the book "A course in Weight Loss".  There is a list of words and I am to write down what is true about these words to me.  So here goes:

Shame - I am ashamed of...Off the top...my weight. My body.  I am ashamed that I have lost my temper numerous times in my life.  I am ashamed at some of my past behavior.  I am ashamed at some of the choices I have made in my life.  I am ashamed that I can not control my eating.   I am ashamed of the people I may have hurt by my words and actions with the exception of my ex.

Anger - I am angry at...myself.  I am angry that I have allowed my self to weigh this much.  I am angry that I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 25 years.  I am angry at my mother for the emotional and physical abuse I endured. I am angry that she continually destroyed my self esteem.  I am angry that my mother is still not a very nice person.  I am angry that my ex got so much of all I had worked for over the years.  I am angry that the bank I worked at was sold and I lost my job.  I am angry at myself for giving into cravings and urges to eat. I am angry at my lack of food control.  I am angry that I have this need to eat to fill an emotional need.  I am probably still angry that my dad died so young.

Fear - I am afraid of... Apparently losing weight.  If I wasn't afraid of it than I probably could do it.  Not sure if that is really true.  I am afraid of failing but I do it so often I should be used to it by now.  I am afraid of new things.  I am terrified of bugs and bats but I don't think the book is going in that direction.  I am still afraid of my mother.

Unforgiveness - I haven't forgiven...my ex...for the years of lies and broken promises.  I haven't forgiven mother for the years of pain.  I haven't forgiven the neighbor guy who made life miserable for my mother and siblings.  I think for the most part I am not hanging on to a lot of baggage in this area.

Judgement - I judge...my ex for being a pig.  I judge my brother for being a drunk.  I judge the government for being greedy and stupid.  I judge mean people for the horrible things they do.  I judge my mother for being a nut job.

There are so bery many words on this list.  I will continue tomorrow.